This Year I am watching the Super Bowl at home. This is not my first choice, but as you read here, we are all flu-ey in our house and have therefore been quarantined. This might be the worst part of having the #FLU2015 hit our house, not going out for the SUPER BOWL!!! So. I sit here perseverating on what all of my friends are doing for this American Holiday, and I have come up with 5 Super Bowl Struggles…
Super Bowl Struggle #1: THE FOOOOOOOOD
Let’s all just fall off the wagon together, so we don’t let our friends suffer alone. Not only is February the month the girl scouts start pounding the pavement with their cookies sent straight from heaven, but the first thing that comes to mind when you say “SUPER BOWL” is party food!!! No party is complete without essentials like velveeta, hot-creamy cream cheese, and cake balls.
Struggle #1.a- VELVEETA
Let’s start with Velveeta, the ingredients listed on a package of Velveeta are as follows: milk, ‘cheese product’ and melted ziplock bags…. I swear to you some sort of plastic product must be in Velveeta… and still I ladle it into my mouth looking a bit like Augustus Gloop slurping up the chocolate river water of the Wonka Factory. Velveeta, is there anything more American? If your super bowl party doesn’t have Velveeta, we cannot be friends. You know how we watch gas prices sky rocket and plummet, and the dow, and the price of gold… we should add Velveeta to that list too… I could feed an African child for a month for the price of a block of Velveeta, sheesh. Also, I think you could use dried velveeta in place of cement for any project you desire. I am pretty sure I still have a small spot of crusted velveeta from last years super bowl party still on my kitchen table.
Struggle #1.b- Cake Balls
I can make cake balls in my sleep thanks to Nerdy Nummies, and my childrens’ fascination with YouTube cake tutorials. I have never actually made a cake ball… See, I cannot bake a cake and then let it cool and crumble it up and add icing WITHOUT EATING IT ALL. The temptation is too much to resist. I would make exactly ONE cake ball in the end. So, I just show up to the Super Bowl Parties to take advantage of my friends’ handiwork. Thank you, friends, you are my people for a reason!!
Struggle #1.c- Cream Cheese ANYTHING….
If you put cream cheese in it… I WILL EAT IT. Period. End of discussion. Thank you and Goodbye. Cream cheese in hot dips, YES PLEASE. Cream cheese in cheese balls, YES PLEASE. Cream Cheese in Veggie Dip, UM, YES AGAIN! Cream Cheese in casseroles, OF COURSE. Cream Cheese in pies, cakes, icings, fluffy sugary goodnesses…. OH.MAH.WERD.
Super Bowl Struggle #2- CHILDREN
“Here kids, go play with these knives while Daddy and Mommy watch the football game.” I mean, really, this is how is works isn’t it?
“Mom, we will be upstairs building a fire if you need us,” they say.
You reply, “Yea, yea, sounds good, go play with Johnnie, build some fires, whatev…” You then turn to your friend and say, “Pass the VELVEETA!”
But the odds most likely are that you will leave the super bowl party with at least one fit-throwing child because they ate hot tamales, dill pickle Lays and Dr. Pepper for dinner… Maybe if you’re lucky they ate a few little smokies for protein.
Super Bowl Struggle #3- You have no idea who is playing… but you don’t care, because we gots the VELVEETA!
My husband asked me this afternoon if I knew the two teams playing in the Super Bowl today… My answer was, the “Sea-somethings…gulls maybe? The Seagulls, no thats not right” and the “Fighting Boston men”. Then he asked me if I knew any NFL football players…I was like, “Peyton Manning?? Ah, Dion Sanders? Oh, no. Is Troy Aikman on a team anymore?” Needless to say, I cannot name you 5 NFL football players. Maybe you are better than me, and you know these meaningful things, but me… nope… I don’t, and frankly I don’t care, I still celebrate like any other American, with high fructose corn syrup, velveeta and cream cheese recipes.
Super Bowl Struggle #4- The commercials.
Let’s all be honest here, this is a safe place. 80% of the reason you watch the Super Bowl is for the commercials. (and the other 20% is for the food…shhhh) We have determined that Dion Sanders is no longer playing football, so who cares anyways… And, now let us break down the commercial statistics…
75% of the commercials are not funny… Leeet. Dooowwn. These commercials include advertisements for banks, insurance providers, and long term investment companies. Things that deal with the monies… no one wants to think about money during the Super Bowl… lay off the small man Wall Street!
15% of the commercials make you laugh so hard you pee your pants…. but that’s not saying much because I can do that just by sneezing most days. These commercials probably have talking animals or babies making messes… typically it’s an alcohol add or junk food, the ‘happier’ things of life.
10% of the commercials make you cry… like buckets of tears…. because they have an old man that you immediately love. Then like magic you automatically feel a strong emotional connection to the Chevy Silverado Truck. Those advertisement people are sneaky.
Super Bowl Struggle #5-What to Wear
Do I go buy a Seattle Sea Hawks shirt for 2 hours of my life? Do I pretend to be a fan? Do I show up to the party in my college football gear because this is my go-to football outfit and I just cannot deviate?! Should I shamelessly show up in pajama pants and a long sleeve T, because there will be Velveeta after all?! I just don’t know. There are too many choices… The struggle is real y’all. Or maybe not? Just go with an elastic waste line and you’ll be good.
While you are celebrating, whether by yourself or with your friends, I wish you an evening of empty calories, blood sugar spikes and some laughs for good measure.
Thanks for reading friends.
(And don’t forget you can say connected with me on my Facebook page here!!!)