When I was 25, I felt like I was 19. It was strange to me that I was waking up, going to work and doing real adult things. Now I am 33, (I think?) and I feel like I should be… 25. Having babies, making dinners on a tight budget and planning trips to the zoo; but I am not. Instead I am living the carpool, homework, kids sports and “that’s enough screen time!” life. As the years in my thirties come and go, I feel as if I am settling in quite nicely. But, a few things have hit me in recent weeks, that really have solidified my membership in the 30’s club and the fact that, NO, indeed, I am not still 25. Let me share.
#1: My upper arms.
The reminders can be brutally honest at times. Number one for instance startles me every time I look in the mirror…. I keep thinking; what happpppened!?!?! When I was in middle school, I used to get off the bus, unlock the door, throw my backpack on the cold hardwood floor and collapse on the couch to watch Oprah every.single.day. As a 12 year old, I have the distinct memory of watching Oprah freak out about her upper arm jiggle. I didn’t get it. I didn’t understand how your arms could get fat? Of course this was a girl who had toothpicks sticking out from her shoulders. My little prepubescent mind didn’t understand how someone could care so much about their arms. Yea, their waist or thighs, I understood..
It always happens too. You forget about your upper arm atrophy until you see some other 30 something women rocking her biceps and triceps like she’s still 19. You know the anomalies I am referring to, right?Those few lucky females with upper arm definition. The women who cross fit, or who do headstands? I dunno… I am still stuck in the diet phase of “being able to button my jeans”, let alone “work on arms”. I digress.
#2: Iphone… what number? What was the last Apple Update… Unicorn?!?
Today my phone was stolen by a student at my school. Thankfully it was mysteriously discovered on the playground. I have no idea what sort of kid would take my janky phone. It’s cracked into a million pieces, its sporting a cover from 2010 and I have no idea what “iPhone number” it is… it’s old. As I was walking down the hallway with another teacher, both of us on the man hunt for the great phone thief, she asked me, “So did you back your stuff up to that thingy?” To which I responded, “The air thing, or is it apple clouds? No. I have no idea? It keeps giving me messages about how its full or I have not signed in for 108 days, or something, I have no idea what it is?”. That’s when it hit me. I might as well pick up my bags and move to the other side of the “technology line” and sit with my 91 year old grandma who calls any data correspondence “faxing”. The technology train has left the station and I am still waiting somewhere, listening to my disc-man.
#3: I bought Old Lady Pajamas
My poor husband. I came home last month with a set of old lady pajamas. The ones with matching tops and bottoms, and they are made of super yummy soft fabric, but are the most unflattering things you’ve ever laid eyes on. I was browsing through the store with the clerk who looked like she was in her early 20’s and she kept trying to point me in the direction of things with strappy tops and lacy bottoms, and she just didn’t understand my needs. Which are:
2- Full Coverage… I have children, specifically BOYS, and the time has come that Mommy needs to be covered up.
3- Will they last for 15 years, because this is probably when I will be buying a new pair.
That night I unapologetically slipped on my old lady pajamas and threw my MATERNITY night-gown away, that I have been wearing since my first son was born! (Ewwww!)
#4: Lack of Facial Muscle Control
You guys!! This is a THING! I used to have a pretty good poker face. When someone was talking to me and I thought they were completely out of their mind, I could cordially nod and smile. NOT. ANY. MORE. I no longer posses the fine are of the “listen, smile and nod”. Now, as I am listening and nodding, my face takes on a mind of its own and I can physically feel it contorting as the person is speaking. It’s an out-of-body experience. You know what I am talking about…
#5: You Start Thinking Memes are Funny
HELP!! I have found myself scrolling through FB and laughing at the memes… and then starting real life conversations with “I saw this meme the other day that said….”. Face. to. Palm. Does this make me old? I don’t think it makes me old, but, I feel as if every time I laugh at a meme, I am partaking in a dangerous gateway drug, leading to heavier internet feax pas like; “Share this if you love JESUS” or anything with sunsets and american flags pictured together? I am dabbling in dangerous waters, and I know it. Someone throw me a life raft, admit me to social media rehab, hurry, go and get the virtual defibrillators warmed up for me, please.
And this is where I must leave you. Because. Bedtime. When you slide into your thirties, your body starts to shut down at 9:30. The feet begin to drag, the eyelids droop and your body literally aches for your mattress. This is why my list has only 6 things… because it could have 60… but it is 10:16 pm and my brain has turned into a pumpkin and I can no longer type coherent thoughts.
But, let me raise my glass to all of us ladies, in our thirties tonight. (Imagine my glass raised, and I am giving my upper arm a little shaky-shake for ya.) Though it may be a bit saggy, and a little more sun damaged than I had imagined it being, I am feeling more comfortable in my skin, day by day. I love that confidence that comes when I reached this new decade, and the camaraderie that came with it also. When one of us turns 30, there is a whole world of women on the other side cheering you over, saying “YOU DID IT!” You survived your teen years, and then you lived through your twenties… now put on your stretchy pants, take off your bra and relax YOU ARE THIRTY, woman! 😉 hehe.
XOXO much love ladies. so. much. love.