My oldest son turned 9 this year and my youngest turns 5 today.
I am experiencing all the feels, for my baby is now a boy. When my first-born turned this same corner, I sighed a sigh of relief because I had two other babies on my hips, and finally I had a tiny human in my life that could put on his own shoes and wipe his own hinny. Today is different.
Growing, Growing, Gone
My hips are empty and I am the one walking alone behind the pack of three children running ahead of me. I am the one shouting “slow down” and “be careful” while catching my breath to keep up. They fly by me on their bikes and scooters as I stroll down the bricked sidewalks trying to savor every smell and sound of their childhood.
They romp around in the pool with friends and race around the park playing tag while I sit aside thinking, this is it, these are the memories that will make them who they will be forever.
It’s lonely in the back of the pack. I didn’t realize that. As my children run full speed, I look down at my empty hands that once held tiny fingers, and I realize that the lightened load isn’t as freeing as I dreamed it would be.
The kites I kept tethered so close have taken flight and are drifting off, making their own path through the great big sky of life.
Today he is 5 and at the same time I feel like he is 25. I wish with everything I am that I could bottle up his tender little innocent heart and keep it with me for ever. Motherhood has the ability to turn your heart inside out sometimes. All it takes is his sideways glance paired with a smile to make me into a puddle these days.
I wish I could gather up the grains of sand that have already slipped through my fingers, and hold the time that has passed perfectly still in my own grip. But I can’t, I must let life pass before me.
When the Memories Add Up
Just as much as these memories are their own, they are mine too. They are the colors to my stain glassed life. Each moment making up a piece of a beautiful life that someday will be my greatest masterpiece. Alone, they seem insignificant and unimportant, but when collectively combined, these memories are who I ultimately will remember being.
Before, I just held a few shards of glass in my hand. One for each milestone, one for each belly laugh and one for each tear I shed. But today, as I begin to lay them down, I see that they are forming something I had no idea existed. A mosaic of memories that will be mine forever, a masterpiece of motherhood.
The bad days, the good days and the days that went by all count. Savor them Momma. They may not look important today, but someday when we step back on this journey, they will be our very own work of art. When our children leave the nest and change their own world, we will have this. It is our very own and no one else’s. Take the pieces as they come, every broken sharp edge, and trust that someday, it will all count and it will be beautiful.
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